2007 Champions Crowned

Following the closest competition ever, with only 6 points separating 4th and 1st, Doug Sistrunk reigns supreme as the undisputed 2007 Champion.
"What a long road its been from beer toter to Quad champion, " said Sistrunk about his victory. "Over the last seven plus years I've had but two goals: graduate from college, and win the Quad. Seeing as I've completed one, I will be finishing the other before the end of the summer. Despite the controversy surrounding this being the lowest scoring Quad ever I welcome the new competitors and the new challenges presented with our closest Quad ever. Thanks to all the competitors, and better luck next year you pack of losers."

INFOGRAPHIC

Fred Sistrunk "Injured", Bilbo Enters Odds Board

Less than a week from the start of competition, and in anticipation of the most competitive Quad ever, former champion Fred Sistrunk is now claiming to be "injured".

After completing her telephone diagnosis, Chief Quad Medical Advisor, Dr. Dianne Cooper, said only, "this type of injury (ruptured tendon in right arm) can sideline a player for months....he's really done his homework."

Shortly following the announcement, previously unranked competitor Brian Bilbo appeared for the first time on the Las Vegas boards at 18:1, an indication that oddsmakers have written Sistrunk off for the 2007 competition.

This most recent event adds to the long list of competitors playing with injuries, including Bart Sistrunk (broken toe), Scott Higginbotham (severed finger), Johnny Hipps (damaged retina), and Doug Sistrunk (inflamed ovaries).

Shilstone Speaks!

Following weeks of silence, two-time runner-up John "Fireass" Shilstone made his first public statements involving the 2007 event (Comments below in maroon):

Group 1: Of course, returning champion, “Shoot from the Hipps” Johnny

The next four are in no particular order: Brian Bilbo, Sean Hipps, Travis Weigand, and Zachary Burke. They are the young ones and they have no fear. Remember Freddy, you and I are older than dirt. Put us together and have us fart at the same time and you’ll have one hell of a dust storm.

Group 2: In no particular order: Davis Burke, Dave Weigand, Mark Shilstone, and Kevin Cooper. Beware, young ones! These are the men of the shadows. They wait on their dark horses for one of you to trip and fall; and, suddenly, you will find them in front of you. Never look back on the men of the shadows for this is what they want. They want to take you away from your game plan.

Group 3: In no particular order: Freddy Sistrunk, Des Carroll, Bart Sistrunk, and Doug Sistrunk. As for Freddy, if he hadn’t been injured he still would’ve screwed up his game by always trying to do it the “correct” way. One fault and he always tried to figure out what he did wrong, which made him lose his concentration of the game. Des, we’ve already explained that Des can’t perform two tasks at once. Example: Disc or beer? Disc or beer? What do I do? Doug, let’s see. . . An 82 at bowling? It seems that Doug has acquired the same gene as Des. Pick up ball, roll ball. . . pick op ball, roll ball. . .What do I do? What do I do? Bart will return this year with a repeat of last year’s showing. How do I know this? I had a phone conversation with Kelly and she informed me that Bart will be on the same time restraints as last year. Bart will be worried if he can get to Kelly in time to do her hair, makeup and nails. He will lose his concentration again.

Now we come to Fireass. . . As you know, I was inflicted with a game-ending injury to both feet. For months I’ve experienced excruciating pain in both feet. With the help of my beautiful, caring, and highly intelligent doctor (Yes, that is Dr. Dianne Cooper) I have been put on a regiment of pain medicine and medicine to promote healing of the nerves in my feet. Herein lies the problem. . . I find myself breaking one of the cardinal rules of the Quad. Because of the medication, I will not be able to drink the golden juice. Combining the medicine and the “juice” could cause great harm to my body. Therefore, this is what will happen: 1. I will compete at 50% in all facets of the Quad. 2. I will do my best to complete every competition in the Quad. 3. I will have all scores tallied and posted on the Quad official board. 4. But, because of my blatant breaking of the rules, I will put myself in last place for the entire Quad. Even knowing that all the laughter that, once again, I have beaten Des – It will not count.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Now to all my competitors, I say, “Let’s get ready to stumble!!!!”

Yours,

John “Fireass” Shitrock

Yahoo! Sports Announces 2007 Fantasy Quad League

Building on the success of their Fantasy Football league, and recognizing the rapid growth of the Quadrathlon, Yahoo! Sports announced today the launch of a 2007 Quadrathlon Fantasy League. The league allows fans to draft their own Quad Teams, which will be scored based on the actual players' performance in each event.

Early evidence indicates John Shilstone will be "the Ladanian Tomlinson of Fantasy Quad," and is expected to go as the first pick in 85% of draft pools.

Competitive Board Reviewing Quad Substance Aviodance Policy

Following the recent series of "substance abuse" incidents in Major League Baseball surrounding performance-enhancing drugs, the Quad Competitive Board is currently reviewing the event's policies surrounding "substance avoidance".

" 'Substance avoidance' is the deliberate abstention from drinking beer during the Quad with the intent of gaining a competitive advantage over those who are drinking," said Mark Shilstone, Quad Chairman of Competitive Parity. "The Quad was founded as an excuse to drink beer, and these recent events spit in the face of the spirit from which the Quad was born. Oh, and those who don't drink can kiss my ass."

Though substance avoidance will not result in any direct scoring penalties, as with Barry Bonds future Quad champions suspected of Substance Avoidance will forever have their records marred by an unwritten asterisk, saying "Sure he won, but he only drank one Zima all week."

Competitor Self Assessments

In the interests of (1) offering fair "air-time" and (2) mitigating the risk of costly libel litigation, the Quadrathlon Board has encouraged each competitor to complete their own self-assessment.

Kevin Cooper (Odds not Posted) Comments:

I WILL be arriving in the Nashville area on the 24th of December. My fan club and I will be staying at the elite Weigand retreat, and I will be available for interviews after 6PM on the 24th. I'm looking forward to seeing all the family.....and then whoopin their asses.




Davis Burke (Pictured with loving spouse who, based on Davis's current zero votes, voted for someone else to win) Comments:

Although overlooked and given shitty odds yearly by the
oddsmaker, I am not intimidated by any of you. Years of quiet observation of my fellow competitors has given me a wealth of valuable data on weaknesses and kinks. Just remember, it's always the quiet ones.





Zack Burke (Successfully attempting to intimidate opponents with bull-like neck display) Comments:

Sadly, I have become wrapped up in a new sport....wrestling.
And unfortunately, I am the only team member in my weight class
(148-155). I also have the misfortune of having a SCROOGE for a coach who has planned practices and tournaments during the Christmas holiday. I have to practice the 26-28th from 9-12. I am hopeful that the Quad Board will take this into account when planning the beginning times for events. I want to be there to kick any and all asses!



Mark Shilstone (Odds not Posted) Comments:

I didn't even concern myself with looking at the numbers pulled out of the Vegas oddsmakers asses this year. I have no doubt that I have been underestimated yet again. As a perennial middle-of-the-packer, it might be hard to argue with that. I will remain a dark horse for another year...with the ability to excel in any of the events and the lack of consistency to come in last place in any one of them as well. A loose canon, if you will. A dark horse ridden by a sleeper shot out of a loose canon over an underdog...you never know. Unfortunately, I never know, either. One thing I DO know, however, is that I have spent most of my time in the past year training for the unofficial fifth event: drinking a lot of beer. And I hereby pledge to be an ambassador of the spirit of the Quad competition by doing just that. I also challenge every other competitor of legal age to recommit themselves to the spirit of the Quad by doing the same. It may give me the only chance I have of a top three finish. With that being said, here is my prediction for the 2007 Quadrathlon: Old farts beware!! This is the year of the up-and-comers!! The young guys are going to make us all look stupid in 2007. Sean has been under the tutelage of the current champion with superior training facilities, Travis will crush everyone in bowling, Brian has grown 2 1/2 feet this year, and let's just face it, Zach is a better athlete than all of us. Coupled with the fact that these guys can't drink beer, they are primed to do well. Will they win? Probably not, but they will make us look our ages.

Dave Weigand (Odds not Posted) Comments:

Everyone needs to watch out . Elizabeth has me on a intensive training schedule of tidying up the house and doing laundry. I know how it feels to be a real man !








Johnny Hipps (4:1) Comments:

Fred's only chance of fulfilling the 12-1 odds is if a senior event is opened this year. Des's only chance at 12-1 is if the other competitors don't show.
I think the rest of the odds are right on as my pre-odds attest too. I feel that Davis Burke is worth mentioning as the silent assassin, who waits in the wings for this years Quad.The three Junior amigos are not to be ruled out this year from passing Fred and Des in the overall Quad standings. My only question is whether or not I should even waste the time to bring the Quad trophy to Nashville only to have to bring it right back. It is only fair to let everyone enjoy and dream.......of one day holding it over their heads in victory as I will this year!!!!


Fred Sistrunk (12:1) Comments:

Time will show who the REAL champion is.........










Des Carroll (12:1) Comments:
I think my odds are about average. I was throwing the frizbee with Brian and Zack, and I have to be honest those kids are up and coming. Doug can throw the hardest hands down, but all we need there are a couple of unlucky tree strikes, or a little tiff with the girlfriend, and he will crumble like last years crumble cake. Dad is always a threat in bowling, but there is a "new release" he is using for frizbee, and you know how the new styles usually go with Dad. It is mostly alot of talking about the new deal and then throwing it the exact same way, no change this time. Now, we get to uncle John. Apparently we have unconfirmed reports of a stupefying 280 bowling score -- he is a triple threat, its amazing that Mark is even related to him.




Sean Hipps (Odds not Posted) Comments:

My Christmas list has three things:
2 games, a new Computer, and WINNING THE QUAD!!

I have cleared a spot in my room for the Trophy, while I am young and small I am a dangerous force. Having completed a college course in disc golf over the summer my odds are good. I really don't want to badmouth anyone since I could still be beaten up! With this said.....I have no fear!






Travis Weigand (20:1) Comments:

Results will speak for themselves.










Brian Bilbo (Odds not Posted) Comments:

My odds are looking substantially better this year. I pity the fool who underestimates me. (13-1)










Additional comments to be posted upon submission.

Following Son's Successful Appeal, Father Requests Exemption

Despite previous acceptance of his 2007 Circle of Fear status, following his son's successful protest and appeal Dean Higginbotham has now submitted an official request for removal.

"I am very disappointed by the lack of consideration by my competitors and so-called friends for the very important job of taking care of granddaughters and my wife's hair and nails," said Dean. "In light of past service to my country and present service to my family, I certainly deserve consideration for removal from this Circle, which only really exists in the minds of the confused and afraid."

Many Circle of Fear experts anticipate that his appeal will be successful, based on the recently established precedent of leniency for members of the USAF. The official ruling is expected within a week.

Cooper Requests Late Entry; Higginbotham Protests "Circle" Status

Following the announcement of the 2007 "Circle of Fear", multi-year competitor Kevin Cooper has requested late-entry into the 2007 Quad.

"I WILL be arriving in the Nashville area on the 24th of December. My fan club and I will be staying at the elite Weigand retreat, and I will be available for interviews after 6PM on the 24th" , said Cooper during a heated press conference. Cooper closed by saying only "I'm looking forward to seeing all the family, and then whoopin their asses." Needless to say, Cooper's late-entry request was unanimously approved.

On the darker side of competition, despite his confirmed unexcused absence Scott Higginbotham has requested a formal retraction of his Circle status.

Higginbotham's request: "While I have almost completely recovered from the horrific injury suffered in the 2005 Quad (partially severed index finger resulting in significant blood loss and irreparable emotional trauma ), I regret that I will once again be unable to participate in this year's event. I am currently in my AEF deployment window, meaning I am 'on call' until January and cannot be more than 6 hours away from base until then. So, while I am preparing for a possible 5th combat deployment, you all please enjoy your games. Put me in your "circle of fear" if you must - but realize it is not fear that keeps me away, but an undying devotion to duty and love of freedom. The very same freedom you exercise as you gather to compete for the coveted Quad Trophy. Also - kiss my ass."

The request was denied the following day by Quad Chairmen of Circle Exemptions Des Carroll and Tim Hale, who revealed that chartered flights are available 24 hours a day at what Carroll only referred to as a "reasonable cost, all things considered".

Carroll Develops Blister on Non-Throwing Hand

Requests Use of Cart During Frisbee Golf

Following the appearance of a small blister on his left little finger, highly ranked competitor Des Carroll has submitted a request to the Quad Medical Review Board that would allow him to ride in an electric golf cart during the 2007 Disc Golf event.

"I mean, if Casey Martin can use a cart in professional golf events, why can't a differently-abled person like myself use one in the Quad?"

Fred Sistrunk, the Quad Chairman of Medical Exemptions, quickly released his official position, saying only, " 'blister' my ass".

Doug Sistrunk Bowling Improving

Bowls Single Game 82

Following weeks of intensive practice, Doug Sistrunk's bowling efforts appear to be paying off, culminating in a single game 82.

"Well, I'm not implying I will average 82 in the actual Quad, but knowing you can get there really takes the pressure off," said Sistrunk. "That should put me at least 20 pins ahead of Dave, Des, and Mark."

No 2007 competitors were available for comment.