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Big John Develops New Support System for Less Successful Competitors

CRAP Expert

Following years of intensive research, Big John has announced the launch of his new emotional support system for managing the extreme disappointment associated with poor performance in the Quad.  The new system, known as Cerebral Reprogramming And Partitioning (C.R.A.P.) is expected revolutionize the event.

"I am going to ensure that the Quad's poor performers get so much CRAP that it will be coming out of their ears," said the Big John in a recent statement.  "Really, my ability to deliver CRAP knows no bounds."

The system will retail for $99.99, but special free sessions are expected be made readily available for Quad competitors.

Words from the Champion!

Fourteen days and counting .......not till Christmas, but when the best time of the year officially starts .......The Quad!!
I Can't wait to see everyone again! Last years participation was at an all time high. And come on family isn't that what life is all about?? Its such a joy for me personally enjoying this tradition with all of you!
I want Pappa Frank to know , I'm thinking of him and want him to have a speedy recovery. I'm not ashamed to say ......I love Pappa Frank, even though he doesn't like me kissing him.

Now to my thoughts on this years Quad. I Really get the feeling that it might be one of the young quader's years.....they are 20, 21, and 22. That young blood can be fierce!  But they will always be the first Junior Quadders to me Brian,Sean and Zach......good luck boys because I predict one of you guys will win this years Quad. And you might even hold the record for highest score ever in a Quad. Great scoring decision by Erin.

I hope everyone can make it to this years Quad, because family is what makes this a magical time of the year!

Love you all,

2006&2012 Quad Champion
John Hipps

John Hipps disclaimer: these sentiments in no way indicate a passive
nature on the perseverance for the 2013 quad title. No endorsements
herein are binding or truly meant.

Lady Gaga to Perform at Quad Championship Dinner (We Think)

Gaga in Christmas Attire

It looks like the Quad may be getting a little more monstrous than usual. Evidence found by a secret Quad committee has lead some to believe that Lady Gaga may be making a surprise visit to the Quad's Champion Dinner.

"Without a doubt, she is my favorite musician, so when people started talking about the actual Lady, herself (!), doing a private, intimate show just for our family, I almost had a heart attack. I'm such a fan boy," sheepishly said one of the committee members, who preferred to remain anonymous. After giggling a little, his tone changed to one of disappointment as he continued, "But after looking at their 'evidence,' it seems pretty inconclusive. I'm in law school. I know what evidence and inconclusive means."

The rumors began when the committee released a statement titled, "Lady Gaga to Perform at Quad Champion Dinner (We Think)." The statement went on to describe what Gaga would need to perform on the back patio of Chez Magnolia, and listed her dietary and hospitality needs. (See bottom for "Just in Case She Shows Preparation.")

"I mean... I am in the 'biz' now, so I suppose I could try and look into this, but all the stress and excitement of being reinstated as Head Scorekeeper is keeping me really busy," Head Scorekeeper Erin Bilbo commented. "Plus, I think it'll be nice to have something to keep us on our toes! We wouldn't want to disappoint her if this turns out to be true."

Darby, also in Christmas Attire

Recent developments by the same secret committee have started yet another rumor, concerning Miley Cyrus. The statement, "Miley Cyrus Remembers Lisa Was Her Teacher (And/Or Her Brother's Right?) So She May Show Up, Too (I Mean, There's Nothing Explicitly Saying She Won't)," caused quite an uproar from the previously mentioned anonymous committee member: "If she tries to take away from Gaga's moment, I'll sick Darby on her."

Just In Case She Shows Preparation*:

• 1 Case Dasani Water (NOT EVIAN!)
• 1 Case San Pellegrino (THIS IS A MUST!)
• 5 Naked Juices (SELECTION OF FLAVORS)
• 1 lb of LOCAL Coffee (NO STARBUCKS!)
• 2 Packages Haribo Gummy Bears (Gold Bears or Happy Cola ONLY!)
• 1 ORGANIC Orange
• 2 ORGANIC Bunches of RED Grapes
• 1 ORGANIC Ginger Root
• 1 NATURAL (THIS IS DIFFERENT FROM ORGANIC!) Avocado
• 2 Packages GOURMET Crackers (NO STORE BRAND!)
• 1 Tub Alouette spreadable cheese
• 1 Sexy, Provacative Cheese Plate (NO "DARE" CHEESES!)
• 1 Tub GOURMET Hummus (NOT SABRAS!)
• 5 Bags Flaming Hot Cheetos
• 1 Box Apple Jacks Cereal 
• Assortment of nuts
• Selection of sushi rolls- at least 12 rolls (HALF VEGETARIAN!)
• 1 Bottle "4 Copas Tequila Reposado" - It is organic and VERY hard to find, but you can check their website (www.4copas.com) to see where it is sold in your area. ONLY IN THE EVEN IT CANNOT BE FOUND THEN you can substitute either Karma Tequila or Patron Tequila.
• 6 Bottles ORGANIC Wine - Local is preferred (NO BOX WINE)

*This a compilation of several different artist's real requests in their rider. Sh*t. You. Not.

New Family Member Drives Parent to Circle of Fear?

The addition of a beautiful baby girl has one thing on everyone's mind: which new parent will be in the Circle of Fear this year: Doug, or Laura? Place your vote in the Poll to the right!

"Irrelevant," said fellow competitor (and 4-time 7th place finisher) Mark. "I'm only concerned with people who finish in the top six....and on which day we are having meatballs."

Laura and Doug were unavailable for comment, with baby Penny quoted only as saying, "goo."

New Emotional Support Systems Announced

Affirmation Mirror

In an attempt to make the potentially devastating psychological toll of the Quadrathlon more bearable to competitors, multiple new systems are being implemented in 2013 to help reduce the emotional grind.

1) Affirmation Mirror: On-site at all events, allowing competitors to remind themselves that they are good enough, smart enough, and that (doggone it!) people like them.

Stress Card

2) Stress Cards: After a particularly bad throw or roll, competitors sometimes need a little time alone.  Each competitor will now be issued a card for use once per event (cards to be provided from unspecified competitors' workplace).

 3) New Odds / Ranking System: Rather than expressing competitors odds of winning numerically, under the new system competitors chances will be expressed using a system of family-favorite emoticons.
For example, where Des Carroll may have previously been upset by discovering his odds of winning were placed at 25:1, he can now rest easy seeing his odds expressed as:  

Who could be upset with smiley face telephone odds? 

Changes Announced for 2013 Scoring System

Following numerous concerns that the QUAD scoring system is unfair
and results in multiple players receiving a cumulative score of zero each year, QUAD Head Scorekeeper Erin announced changes this week that are expected to make the scoring system more competitive for the less experienced participants.

Beginning in 2013, all players will start the QUAD with 1000 points.  No other changes will be made.  Where in the past a winning score might be 40 points, going forward a typical winning score will be 1040 points, a mere 4% higher than the scores if the lowest finishers.

With this move, competitive parity has finally been reached in a traditionally unbalanced event.

Higginbotham Grudge Match Reaches Creshendo

With multiple Top 10 and even Top 5 finishes between them, a new family grudge match has emerged: Dean vs. Linda

"I'm really torn on who to cheer for," said competitive non-factor Scott, who finds himself caught in the roles of both son and husband.  "Maybe I'll just cheer for Keith, even though that seems like a real waste of time."

Non-factor

2013 ANALYSIS AND PROJECTION:

Putt-Putt - Advantage DEAN.  Solid player with a 6th place finish in 2012
Bowling - TIE.  Both players consistently finish in the points each year.
Corn Hole - Advantage LINDA.  Very strong play, eliminated last year by eventual champ Johnny.
Disc Golf - Advantage THE COURSE.  Both players could skip this (if allowed).

Expert prediction:  too close to call, but get ready to rumble.

QUAD Events Set!

The 2013 vote stayed true to our family's tradition: high participation, including 4 attempts to vote illegally and one attempt to vote twice (with a 10 day gap between votes to hope the first vote was forgotten).

New Permanent QUAD Events:

(1) Bowling
(2) Putt-Putt
(3) Corn-Hole
(4) Disc Golf

1st Alt: Air Rifle

Yes, the vote turned out the same two years in a row, reinforcing the conclusion that no future votes will be held or needed.

In the event that one of the above is not feasible due to facility availability, Air Rifle Target Shooting will serve as the alternate until the primary event can be reinstated the following year.

Complete Results (with count of votes by event):

Budweiser Player Spotlight: Tim

Key  Statistics:

*Total overall Wins………………………0

*Total event Wins………………………...0

*Total top ten finishes………………….0

*Total overall points scored………….0

*Total event losses to Anne while she held a baby……2

Tim has been a riveting player to watch since his freshman appearance in 2005.  Since then this noteworthy participant has managed to set a possibly unbreakable record: most Quads attended while still scoring absolutely no points in any event.

 

Tim has also distinguished himself in setting the precedence for Circle of Fear exemption.  When he applied for removal due to his “deployment” to sunny Guam, the committee after much deliberation and exhaustive research reached the historic decision of only exempting those deployed to combat zones.  Anonymous committee members released these separate statements.  “Air Force? I honestly don’t think they even have tanks”.  “anyone can fly a plane.  Apaches are the real challenge. 

Budweiser Player spotlight featured player of the year, Tim.  A controversial figure to say the least, and we can't wait to see what happens next.

Junior Quad Tampering Attempted

 

In a turn of events that surprised no one, two career Circle of Fear members were caught in blatant attempts to interfere with the Junior Quad.

First time Quad entrant Keith reportedly made multiple attempts to have Hale children disqualified for foot-faults during competition.  Head Referee Des was quick to quiet the protests.

To further the Jr Quad's troubles, Little John (after scoring zero points in Day-1 of the Sr. Quad) was caught attempting to enter the Jr. Quad in hopes of earning a medal.

Photographic evidence (below) submitted by an anonymous source shows little John trying to look discreet as he slipped into the end of the line of waiting Quadders.



Click to enlarge

Neither competitor was available for comment, but in an official release the Quad Secret Committee stated they were "Glad to see the new competitors embracing the Quad's philosophy: win at all costs."

Quad Final Results

1st Place - Johnny

Results Analysis:

* Big John remains the only competitor to never finish outside of the Top 5

* All 3 original Jr. Quad Members (Sean, Brian, and Zack) finished in the Top 10. It's only a matter of time...

* Linda continues to dominate all female and Higginbotham competitors.

* Des wins the coveted Double-Skunk award by losing both Corn Hole matches 0-7.

* While Davis was hiding at work, Rusty scored the most points of any first time competitor

* In a strong statement of family unity, Tim finished with the same number of points as his daughter with a broken arm.

* Mark failed to finish in his trademarked 7th place, but he did win first place for "best award acceptance speech"

RANK	COMPETITOR	POINTS	RANK	COMPETITOR	POINTS
1	JOHNNY	48.0	16	SLADE	8.0
2	FRED	36.0	17	DAVE	4.5
3	BART	32.5	18	LAURA	4.0
4	BIG JOHN	31.3	19	KEITH	3.0
5	DOUG	30.3	20	RUSTY	2.8
6	BRIAN	28.0	21	SONNY	2.5
7	SEAN	23.5	T-22	ANGELLE	0.0
T-8	LINDA	22.0	T-22	ERIN	0.0
T-8	ZACH	22.0	T-22	JAIME	0.0
10	MARK	16.0	T-22	KEVIN	0.0
11	DILLON	16.0	T-22	LITTLE JOHN	0.0
12	DES	15.0	T-22	MELANIE	0.0
T-13	BEN	13.5	T-22	MIRIAM	0.0
T-13	SCOTT	13.5	T-22	TIM	0.0

RANK

COMPETITOR

POINTS

RANK

COMPETITOR

POINTS

1

JOHNNY

48.0

16

SLADE

8.0

2

FRED

36.0

17

DAVE

4.5

3

BART

32.5

18

LAURA

4.0

4

BIG JOHN

31.3

19

KEITH

3.0

5

DOUG

30.3

20

RUSTY

2.8

6

BRIAN

28.0

21

SONNY

2.5

7

SEAN

23.5

T-22

ANGELLE

0.0

T-8

LINDA

22.0

T-22

ERIN

0.0

T-8

ZACH

22.0

T-22

JAIME

0.0

10

MARK

16.0

T-22

KEVIN

0.0

11

DILLON

16.0

T-22

LITTLE JOHN

0.0

12

DES

15.0

T-22

MELANIE

0.0

T-13

BEN

13.5

T-22

MIRIAM

0.0

T-13

SCOTT

13.5

T-22

TIM

0.0