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Big John Develops New Support System for Less Successful Competitors

CRAP Expert

Following years of intensive research, Big John has announced the launch of his new emotional support system for managing the extreme disappointment associated with poor performance in the Quad.  The new system, known as Cerebral Reprogramming And Partitioning (C.R.A.P.) is expected revolutionize the event.

"I am going to ensure that the Quad's poor performers get so much CRAP that it will be coming out of their ears," said the Big John in a recent statement.  "Really, my ability to deliver CRAP knows no bounds."

The system will retail for $99.99, but special free sessions are expected be made readily available for Quad competitors.

Words from the Champion!

Fourteen days and counting .......not till Christmas, but when the best time of the year officially starts .......The Quad!!
I Can't wait to see everyone again! Last years participation was at an all time high. And come on family isn't that what life is all about?? Its such a joy for me personally enjoying this tradition with all of you!
I want Pappa Frank to know , I'm thinking of him and want him to have a speedy recovery. I'm not ashamed to say ......I love Pappa Frank, even though he doesn't like me kissing him.

Now to my thoughts on this years Quad. I Really get the feeling that it might be one of the young quader's years.....they are 20, 21, and 22. That young blood can be fierce!  But they will always be the first Junior Quadders to me Brian,Sean and Zach......good luck boys because I predict one of you guys will win this years Quad. And you might even hold the record for highest score ever in a Quad. Great scoring decision by Erin.

I hope everyone can make it to this years Quad, because family is what makes this a magical time of the year!

Love you all,

2006&2012 Quad Champion
John Hipps

John Hipps disclaimer: these sentiments in no way indicate a passive
nature on the perseverance for the 2013 quad title. No endorsements
herein are binding or truly meant.

Lady Gaga to Perform at Quad Championship Dinner (We Think)

Gaga in Christmas Attire

It looks like the Quad may be getting a little more monstrous than usual. Evidence found by a secret Quad committee has lead some to believe that Lady Gaga may be making a surprise visit to the Quad's Champion Dinner.

"Without a doubt, she is my favorite musician, so when people started talking about the actual Lady, herself (!), doing a private, intimate show just for our family, I almost had a heart attack. I'm such a fan boy," sheepishly said one of the committee members, who preferred to remain anonymous. After giggling a little, his tone changed to one of disappointment as he continued, "But after looking at their 'evidence,' it seems pretty inconclusive. I'm in law school. I know what evidence and inconclusive means."

The rumors began when the committee released a statement titled, "Lady Gaga to Perform at Quad Champion Dinner (We Think)." The statement went on to describe what Gaga would need to perform on the back patio of Chez Magnolia, and listed her dietary and hospitality needs. (See bottom for "Just in Case She Shows Preparation.")

"I mean... I am in the 'biz' now, so I suppose I could try and look into this, but all the stress and excitement of being reinstated as Head Scorekeeper is keeping me really busy," Head Scorekeeper Erin Bilbo commented. "Plus, I think it'll be nice to have something to keep us on our toes! We wouldn't want to disappoint her if this turns out to be true."

Darby, also in Christmas Attire

Recent developments by the same secret committee have started yet another rumor, concerning Miley Cyrus. The statement, "Miley Cyrus Remembers Lisa Was Her Teacher (And/Or Her Brother's Right?) So She May Show Up, Too (I Mean, There's Nothing Explicitly Saying She Won't)," caused quite an uproar from the previously mentioned anonymous committee member: "If she tries to take away from Gaga's moment, I'll sick Darby on her."

Just In Case She Shows Preparation*:

• 1 Case Dasani Water (NOT EVIAN!)
• 1 Case San Pellegrino (THIS IS A MUST!)
• 5 Naked Juices (SELECTION OF FLAVORS)
• 1 lb of LOCAL Coffee (NO STARBUCKS!)
• 2 Packages Haribo Gummy Bears (Gold Bears or Happy Cola ONLY!)
• 1 ORGANIC Orange
• 2 ORGANIC Bunches of RED Grapes
• 1 ORGANIC Ginger Root
• 1 NATURAL (THIS IS DIFFERENT FROM ORGANIC!) Avocado
• 2 Packages GOURMET Crackers (NO STORE BRAND!)
• 1 Tub Alouette spreadable cheese
• 1 Sexy, Provacative Cheese Plate (NO "DARE" CHEESES!)
• 1 Tub GOURMET Hummus (NOT SABRAS!)
• 5 Bags Flaming Hot Cheetos
• 1 Box Apple Jacks Cereal 
• Assortment of nuts
• Selection of sushi rolls- at least 12 rolls (HALF VEGETARIAN!)
• 1 Bottle "4 Copas Tequila Reposado" - It is organic and VERY hard to find, but you can check their website (www.4copas.com) to see where it is sold in your area. ONLY IN THE EVEN IT CANNOT BE FOUND THEN you can substitute either Karma Tequila or Patron Tequila.
• 6 Bottles ORGANIC Wine - Local is preferred (NO BOX WINE)

*This a compilation of several different artist's real requests in their rider. Sh*t. You. Not.

New Family Member Drives Parent to Circle of Fear?

The addition of a beautiful baby girl has one thing on everyone's mind: which new parent will be in the Circle of Fear this year: Doug, or Laura? Place your vote in the Poll to the right!

"Irrelevant," said fellow competitor (and 4-time 7th place finisher) Mark. "I'm only concerned with people who finish in the top six....and on which day we are having meatballs."

Laura and Doug were unavailable for comment, with baby Penny quoted only as saying, "goo."

New Emotional Support Systems Announced

Affirmation Mirror

In an attempt to make the potentially devastating psychological toll of the Quadrathlon more bearable to competitors, multiple new systems are being implemented in 2013 to help reduce the emotional grind.

1) Affirmation Mirror: On-site at all events, allowing competitors to remind themselves that they are good enough, smart enough, and that (doggone it!) people like them.

Stress Card

2) Stress Cards: After a particularly bad throw or roll, competitors sometimes need a little time alone.  Each competitor will now be issued a card for use once per event (cards to be provided from unspecified competitors' workplace).

 3) New Odds / Ranking System: Rather than expressing competitors odds of winning numerically, under the new system competitors chances will be expressed using a system of family-favorite emoticons.
For example, where Des Carroll may have previously been upset by discovering his odds of winning were placed at 25:1, he can now rest easy seeing his odds expressed as:  

Who could be upset with smiley face telephone odds?